Yes, You've Tried Our Dark Chocolate, But What About Our Milk Chocolate?

Lexington, near Vermont, E. Hollywood

Oh my god. Yes, this is exactly what it looks like. The last time I had a gagging fit so severe was when I worked in a warehouse near downtown Denver near a homeless shelter. A lot of homeless people in the area didn't have a place to use the bathroom, so they'd come (this is all speculation, but I'm pretty sure I'm right) into our gated backyard and take a nice private shit. One morning after it had rained the night before, I let my dog, Peaches, out into the yard of the warehouse, and before I could stop her she was rolling around in something on the ground. I ran up to her, pulled her up by her collar, and was overwhelmed by the worst thing I've ever smelled in my life: urban rain-infused human diarrhea covering my dog's wet fur. Luckily our warehouse had a shower in it, so my friend and coworker Bret helped me lift Peaches into the tub and scrub her clean. I don't know how we made it through that moment without vomiting all over each other, but somehow we did, and Peaches was mostly odor-free, though disappointed that her scent was no longer disguised by the odor of satan himself. When I bent down to take a photo of the scene pictured above, this traumatic moment came rushing back to me. The smell was exactly the same. The only missing ingredient was wet dog fur.