I Wike My Woo-Ben Wif Deh-Wee Muth-Terd

Sanborn, near Sunset, Silverlake

Lots and lots and lots of deli mustard. I must thank Sarah Grant of Coffee Travails for discovering this gem of a gross thing and taking me to see it. On first glance it almost looks like someone spilled a bucket of thick acrylic paint. This would make a lot more sense than the massive amount of mustard that it really was. In the top photo the mustard looks brownish, so it's difficult to tell what kind of substance it is splattered all over the sidewalk. In the bottom photo, however, you can see a glimmer of bright yellow shining through, as though someone nudged it to see what kind of gold might shine from underneath. So, faith like a mustard seed moves a mountain, but what does a mountain of mustard move?

Scabby Was a Friend of Mine

Vermont, near Vermont Pl., E. Hollywood

"Well, ma'am, we're all done drawing blood, so if you'll just sit real tight we'll get you a little bandage. There you go. You might want to leave this on there for an hour or two, just in case it bleeds a little. What's that? Oh! Well, I suppose if there's a rule against bandages at your work you can cover it up with your sleeve. You don't wear sleeves? Okay. Well, what is it that you do? We can have the girls at reception type up a note for your boss. What is it? You'll have to speak a little louder, I couldn't hear you." She's a dental hygienist. A professional mover. A landscape artist. I'm not making fun of sex workers here, you know. I imagine it's a difficult job. I just know that Vermont Place is a street with many-a-hooker (see Hooker Trash below), and I wonder why someone would so hastily rip off his or her blood marked bandage and leave it on the street. "Hey sweet-haht [we're suddenly in Chicago]. Give me some of that-uh-that suga you got. Come a little closer. Oh god no. God no. You've gots a bloody bandage covering that pretty ahm of yours." Customer speeds off. Frustrated worker rips bandage off. Some light arm hairs accompany it to the street, then to the landfill, forever and ever amen. When will this post end? I need a closer. Hmm. Ta da!

To Commemorate Our Love

Parking lot of El Cid, Myra near Gateway, E. Hollywood/Silverlake

Wait, I mean commiserate. To commiserate our love. I think one of two situations could have happened. The first: man has sex in car with someone. After a genuinely mutually fulfilling session, he nonchalantly tosses the condom out the window, thinking "to hell with custom and courtesy! I'm in love!" The second scenario: man has sex in car with someone. It is awkward and uncomfortable. After a disappointing climax man grunts and stuffs the condom into his ashtray. Man drives partner back to Vermont Place where he or she waits for another customer and/or Tang's Donuts, where he or she will catch the bus after eating an Old Fashioned. Three weeks later man drives truck to El Cid to have a beer. Before man walks into bar he smokes a cigarette or two. Realizes his ashtray is full, so dumps it out in the parking lot. I'm guessing scenario two is closer to reality, but we're all allowed to dream.

Yes, You've Tried Our Dark Chocolate, But What About Our Milk Chocolate?

Lexington, near Vermont, E. Hollywood

Oh my god. Yes, this is exactly what it looks like. The last time I had a gagging fit so severe was when I worked in a warehouse near downtown Denver near a homeless shelter. A lot of homeless people in the area didn't have a place to use the bathroom, so they'd come (this is all speculation, but I'm pretty sure I'm right) into our gated backyard and take a nice private shit. One morning after it had rained the night before, I let my dog, Peaches, out into the yard of the warehouse, and before I could stop her she was rolling around in something on the ground. I ran up to her, pulled her up by her collar, and was overwhelmed by the worst thing I've ever smelled in my life: urban rain-infused human diarrhea covering my dog's wet fur. Luckily our warehouse had a shower in it, so my friend and coworker Bret helped me lift Peaches into the tub and scrub her clean. I don't know how we made it through that moment without vomiting all over each other, but somehow we did, and Peaches was mostly odor-free, though disappointed that her scent was no longer disguised by the odor of satan himself. When I bent down to take a photo of the scene pictured above, this traumatic moment came rushing back to me. The smell was exactly the same. The only missing ingredient was wet dog fur.

Give a Fly a Bone

Westmoreland/Lexington, E. Hollywood

I understand why people leave food scraps laying on the ground. They're thinking of the stray dogs and cats that wander the neighborhood, desperate for treats late at night. These people have big compassionate hearts, but sometimes they get confused and think that plastic cups and McDonald's french fry wrappers are also edible. Likewise for hubcaps, broken dresser drawers, cat pee stained Lazy Boys (or is it Lazeee Boyz?), smashed beer bottles, and diapers. I can understand that if your heart is so so big, sometimes it overrides the brain, which tells most people to simply make the effort to throw their trash in a dumpster. But anyway, this bone is very old, and has been perched on top of this bush for quite some time. This bone would not be easy to reach for most dogs, and even some cats. The fly, however, is loving it. And so while I initially judged, as I often do, the person who set his or her chicken bone on top of a bush rather than putting it in a trashcan, dumpster, or even on the ground where it would be eaten, I must assume that this person is a modern-day St. Francis of Assisi or a fully enlightened Buddha. In eating this old, meatless bone, the fly will have a longer, happier life, and I, who merely judge without asking why, must accept that surface litterers are inward prophets.

In Memory of the Swingingest Pee Bag

Virgil/Lexington, E. Hollywood

If you look closely you can see the offering circle in the background. When my sister lived in Chicago she encountered some amazingly gross scenes, the stories of which I found fascinating, hilarious, and repulsive. My favorite of these stories, which she could tell much better than I can, is of sitting on the bus or L train, and noticing a plastic bag filled with urine tied to the seat in front of her. Every time the bus stopped and accelerated the bag would swing back and forth, as though threatening to come untied and break all over the bus. When I saw this apparent cousin to the swinging pee bag, I couldn't help but snap a portrait.

I'm Growing Gross

Hillhurst, near Prospect, Los Feliz

I present to you the most trashed planter in Los Angeles, California. Sadly, that's probably not true. While it was mostly filled with paper and styrofoam trash, I've circle for you some especially gross spots in this trash line-up. The item closest to you that is circled is some sort of meat product, but I don't know what. It looks sort of like a chicken or turkey leg, but the flesh is decaying in a way that makes it look like an artichoke heart. The other circled item is a bundle of garbanzo beans that smells atrocious. I had to cover my mouth and nose when I walked by, but I couldn't resist snapping this up.